FlottSoft Hack Paralyses Federal Government

This morning, shortly after news broke about hundreds of
stalled vehicles blocking traffic in Washington and its suburbs, the Federal
Fleet Management Service announced that the entire federal motor vehicle fleet had
been paralyzed by ransomware. “This morning at six-thirty Washington time, each
of our FlottSoft terminals across the country flashed a red screen and then
announced that every non-electric vehicle in our fleet would not be able to
start until a ransom of 10,000 Bitcoin was paid,” Terry Ragozine, spokesperson
for the FFMS told reporters. Vehicles in transit when the ransomware struck
shutdown the next time that the vehicle came to a stop.

Shortly after that announcement, a brief announcement was
made by Regina Louis Ziegler, White House spokesperson, that the President was
working with his national security advisors on a solution to this problem. “It
remains the policy of the United States that we will not pay ransoms, nor will
we deal with terrorists,” she announced. Ziegler refused to answer questions
about how many of the President’s advisors were still stuck in stalled vehicles
in Washington.

General Buck Turgidson, Director of the National Critical
Infrastructure Security Operations Center (CI-SOC), announced that the CI-SOC
was working on the problem. “Fortunately, we have four vehicles here at out
headquarters in Delano, GA that are affected by the stoppage to work with,”
Turgidson explained. “We have confirmed that the malware is acting at the vehicle
level, somewhere within the vehicle CAN bus network, the FlottSoft terminals
are working normally after the ransomware announcement is disabled.”

An FFMS background document on FlottSoft explains that the
software was adopted by the federal government about ten years ago to manage the
ever expanding fleet of motor vehicles. The software allows FFMS managers to
track vehicle use and maintenance. Just two years ago, the vendor added
anti-theft protections that allowed stolen vehicles to be shutdown by managers.

Late Breaking News: According to a variety of sources, at
8:30 EST all of the shut-down vehicles in the federal inventory began
systematically flashing their lights on and off. Multiple sources noticed that
the lights were flashing in Morse Code, repeating “Pay Me”. This affected
electric vehicles that were previously excluded from the effects of the attack.

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